Slooooow Progress

So plodding along on the roads these days, I have plenty of time to think about where I've been as a runner, where I'm going as a runner, where I've been in life, where I'm at, and where I'm going. I tell ya, life can take some interesting turns, if not unexpected. What's the saying? Life is what happens to you while making other plans. That statement carries so much truth, and I'm reminded of that almost daily.

Running right now is way different. It's like, my body and muscles remember how I used to run, and they are trying to run that way now. My mind is working OVERTIME trying to get my body to slow down so I don't hurt myself. I haven't taken the time to map out my routes, so I really don't have any idea how far I'm running, just how long I've been running.

The other night, I slowed way down and just enjoyed the run, which can be hard to do when you have a lot on your mind. I ended up staying gone so long, my gf got worried because let's be honest...I've been way out of shape (still am). It's been a while since I've been able to run long enough to worry someone that something happened to me. I'm more used to the 3rd degree about why I was out so long, assuming I was up to something I shouldn't have been. It was nice to only have worry in there.

(By the way, her post below really made me smile. She's an awesome lady, and I hope to be an equally good man for her, as long as she will keep me around. :-) )

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On a side note, I feel like I need to say something about this...there is a fellow blogger here in Houston that has taken it as their personal responsibility to verbally attack me and the woman closest to me and my heart as their method of therapy in dealing with the deterioration of our friendship/relationship. Over the last few years, I've become aware of quite a few things that have been said and spread about me among the local running community...some true, some false, some quite amazingly false, and others, I'm really pretty mystified by. Either way, I feel pretty flattered that there was even enough interest in my life, that it seemed to trump their own in a matter that required discussion and rumor spreading. So, for the superficial "fame", thank you. :P

There's also been a highly unanticipated onslaught of harassment directed towards the last 2 women I've attempted to develop a relationship with. This is where it gets disturbing. While I may be hurt at times when someone says things about me, eventually, I get over it. But when the attack becomes focused on ridiculing and cutting down someone I love, well, that's just over the line.

So, why do I bring this up? I'm not sure really. I used to respond a lot differently to "attacks" and "verbal bashing", etc. But the more it happened, the more I realized that it had little to do with me, and more to do with the person delivering the verbal hits. If someone wants to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to knock me down, it's not about knocking me down as much as it's about trying to cover up something they clearly are uncomfortable with about themselves. And making me seem like the slowest, dumbest, most irresponsible, untruthful, selfish, uncaring, untalented, poorest excuse for a man alive is just a method they probably want to use to help themselves feel better. Let's be clear...I'm no saint. I've done some stupid things, ruined opportunities, messed some stuff up, made bad decisions, etc...but I own every one of those decisions, and I place no blame anywhere other than myself.

Unfortunately, in this case, I also blame myself for making the decision to have allowed someone in my life that has become like a disease...and not the kind that goes away with treatment. There was plenty of opportunity to have taken care of this and been rid of it. Perhaps disease isn't the right word. A drug might be more appropriate. It's something I knew wasn't good for me, wasn't right in my life, and wasn't making the quality of my life any better. In fact, it was making it appear better for an instant or two, followed by days, weeks and months of evidence that it was clearly worse. And doing away with it was like dealing with withdrawals. The withdrawals were not wanting to have the fix again, but more in the sense that more pain was caused and inflicted when it was gone than when it was around.

I'm not sure I'm going to post this... I may keep it in drafts...the thing is that I look back over how I handled certain things and how I wish others would as well. I mean, I have gone through heart-break. I have been lied to, I've been cheated on, and been treated badly myself. And what did I do in those situations? I did the things that most of us do when hurt...angry text, drink heavily, etc., etc., But all of that took place over a finite amount of time, and I was done. When it was done, there was no need to bash each other.

In this current, real-time case, I can only wish that she would take the same approach. Say what you have to say TO ME, or ABOUT ME, b!tch about me to your friends, call me all kinds of names to those closest to you, throw darts at my picture, whatever...but for the love of God, name-calling and trying to ridicule my GF, criticizing my commitment to my daughter based on your own twisted perception? That's over the line...that's too far. It saddens me the measures being taken to try to hurt.

I don't know... maybe I'm wrong on this. Perhaps I'm being too small minded, but self-therapy has crossed the line when it goes beyond simply bad-mouthing me and the involvement we once had.

So, again, why type all of this out? There's a lesson here somewhere. I just don't know how to be clear on it.

The lesson is to listen to your heart when it's telling you that someone or something doesn't belong in your life. I should have.

The lesson is to fight fair with someone...if you're angry with someone, keep your focus on where your anger is actually directed. Don't drag others in. Even now, I know others are participating in the Sam-bashing, but I don't really care, because there is only one person involved that I thought was a true-friend. The others...well...not even close, nor worth worrying about their opinions.

The lesson is....I don't know... fill in the blank with yours...